dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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