you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
