so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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