i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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