Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Two words: blizzard sex
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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