I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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