if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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