you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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