I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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