have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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