if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
