how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
