Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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