I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
