he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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