The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
