I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
