He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
you never un-have a 4some
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
