I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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