I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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