My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
