i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
