Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
