why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
