What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
