I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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