i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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