i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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