$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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