I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
