Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
