I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
