Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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