can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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