So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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