drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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