I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
birth control should be required to get into college
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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