you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
