I am spending my child support on dildos
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
