How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
