just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
