Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
