i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need to calm my uterus...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
