I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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