Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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