i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
