Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
