lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
