nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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