So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
