Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
