We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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