I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize