Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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