I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I can't put those talents on a resume
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize