it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love having hate sex.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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