All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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