the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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