you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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